My wife sure has a way with words.

What at first sounded merely like quirky and funny expressions has emerged instead as a sophisticated system for describing bad situations.

When people delve deeply into any subject matter, they develop the ability to distinguish minute differences that others don’t notice. This is my wife with bad situations. She seems to have evolved a kind of expertise in that area.

So, I offer this modest attempt at codifying her hitherto strictly oral system of describing crappy situations.

“Circus” - An unusual, often strange, situation characterized by unwelcome behaviour. For instance, “There’s a thousand people trying to get into this place. What a circus!”

“Freak show” – Used when encountering someone who represents a radically different life choice – mixed with a strong dose of bad judgement. For instance, the guy at the pool, his body covered head to toe with tattoos oiling up his bulging belly with sunscreen, illicits the expression: “What a freak show.”

“Gong show” – This is perhaps the most common descriptor. It is used in situations where a demonstrated lack of good judgement also has a humourous aspect. This expression can be used quite effectively to describe a business meeting marred by ineptitude or shenanigans. Or, in the case of the aforementioned fat tattooed sun-bather, if he also happens to be wearing his swimming trunks so low on the hipsthat his butt-crack is showing, the expression “What a gong show” might appropriately be muttered.

“Shit show” – Use this expression in situations that are decidedly messier than the previous. For instance, your day at the office finds you double-booked in back-to-back meetings, managing a touchy public relations situation, and sitting through a three-hour meeting characterized by disorganization and chaos.  When asked how your days was by your loving spouse, you may reply: “What a shit show!”

“Train wreck” – Used for a decidedly more dangerous situation that the previous one, characterized by the figurative pile-up that results when the cars go off the track. A bad situation from which there will be casualties.

“Clusterf!*k” – Also knowns as a Charlie Foxtrot in military-speak (or a SNAFU or FUBAR), this expression is used when confronted with a massive degree of confusion or disarray.

Did I miss any?